Breaking Point

I think I've finally reached my breaking point. The last month and a half has had more emotional upheaval than I can bottle up and tonight I've finally lost the fight I think. I'm not sure if I'm crying because I'm sad or because I'm mad and really.....it doesn't matter.

My divorce was officially and legally final May 29th. All that really meant for me was that I could go through the county to get child support instead of having to ask my ex for it all the time.

The next big event was my ex got laid off from work and decided there was nothing keeping him in Minnesota so he's going to move back to Arkansas. He'll be moving by the end of July. He wanted to break it to the kids and like the idiot that I am I said ok. When the kids get back from his place my oldest tells me he said she could move down there with him and I couldn't do anything about it. My youngest tells me that according to Daddy he would be moving down there but he could call me every day. My middle one was told he'd get to visit his Dad......to be quite frank this is a huge part of why we got divorced. My ex is an ass and thinks of nobody but himself. Moving to Arkansas is easier for him and to hell with everyone else. He was verbally and emotionally abuse to me and the kids when we were married and continues to be now. That is why I actually have sole physical custody of the kids in the divorce and he is only allowed reasonable parenting time. The kids will not be moving to Arkansas with him.

Next, the sale of the house was finalized and the move to the Apartment was complete. We lived in that house for 10 years and it really was home. I'm not sure if the apartment will ever feel like home but it's nice at least....

Finally the breaking point......My ex took the kids to Arkansas the week before the fourth to visit with their grandparents. This was a planned vacation and since he'll be moving soon I said it was okay if they stayed for two weeks but they had to be back by the 10th. (In the divorce he is allowed two weeks in the summer but not consecutive unless I agree, which friends and family told me not too but again, I'man idiot) Now tonight at 9pm he calls and says he won't be able to bring them back, he isn't sure, might have to work on the truck, unless I want him to risk the kids safety, blah blah blah..... Honestly this is what I was afraid would happen when we first separated. To be quite honest, after all the lies he has told me in the past, I don't know what to believe. Maybe there is something wrong with his truck but if so he could borrow his mom or dad's vehicle and bring the kids home, or get them plane tickets (probably cheaper than driving anyways), or something. No instead I will be driving down there in the morning to get my kids.........maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill or maybe he is doing this just to upset me, I just don't know and probably never will. Ugh!!! Hopefully writing this will help and I can relax and get a little sleep before the drive.......

Memorial Day Weekend

This weekend we moved some more stuff to the new apartment. We also did a little exploring of the new digs and the new town. Saturday my parents helped move a few of our bigger items and then we went out to eat. After my parents left, the kids and I walked to a park on the Mississippi River. I'm hoping that's a walk we'll be taking a lot. It's a nice park on a bike path. It has a big playground, basketball court, baseball field and some spots where the kids can throw rocks into the water. That night we all slept really good. I was only planning on spending one night at the apartment but the kids wanted to do it again Sunday night. During the day Sunday the boys went swimming in the pool at the apartment. Again we slept on the floor but with all the walks and swimming we probably could have slept just about anywhere.

I'm encouraged and feeling much better about the move. Of course it is a day to day thing with the kids and it will be hard but they are getting excited now so that helps.

Moving on soon....

I think we may have a deal on the house finally. The second mortgage is a bit of a sticking point but hopefully we'll work that out. Either way in just under a month the kids and I will be moving to an apartment about 30 miles away. We've already started the process of selling stuff we don't need and getting rid of stuff we can't sell. This weekend we are having a garage sell and I am dreading it but at least it will all be over and settled soon. Then we can focus on moving on........

One sad part is our guinea pig isn't allowed in the new apartment. The dog is but not Ms. Cinnamon. I have found someone to take her and will be giving her away this weekend I think. The kids are definitely not thrilled with this but they are taking it better than I thought. At least she will be going to a family with a couple kids and they are excited to be getting her.

Quick little update....

The house is all but sold and I found an apartment. The stress of moving is actually overshadowed by the peace of finally knowing where we are going to live. We are moving closer to where I work and the schools are really good there. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.

My daughter is doing well with her driving. She has become a bit of a militant back seat driver though......lol.

Catching Up

Well I knew I would not be real good about posting a lot so no surprise it has been almost three months since my last post. Life has been moving along pretty normal like....

At work we all had to take a 10% pay cut the beginning of February. They also laid off, or rather, re-configured, in such a way that about 30 other people no longer work there. I can't complain about the pay cut as at least I still have a job.

On the home front, the divorce is almost final. Everything is signed and it's up to the judge now to sign and file the papers. This definitely is not how I wanted things to go and I never imagined I would get a divorce. It's still very surreal and I actually find it difficult to refer to my ex as my ex-husband. I do find that life at home has gotten more peaceful and less stressful without him in the house. The kids are handling it better than I expected. Unfortunately, with the divorce and all, we have to sell the house and we are having to go with a short sale. It is all very tedious and time consuming. The kids are not looking forward to moving out of the house either. I did already get an offer on it though so hopefully that will go through and then I can get my finances straightened out.

The big news recently.....my oldest just got her driver's permit!!!

Moving On??

The first full week of the new year is done. It started off nice with my Birthday on Sunday. My daughter made me a cake and all three kids made me cards. I also got a neat gift from Clayton. He took his football picture and my picture from when I played football and put them in a frame. I absolutely loved it.

Work is going well and with the way the economy is I'm just blessed to have a job. A couple of coworkers and I have signed up for our companies weight loss challenge. We had to come up with a team name and we chose "The Corpulent Raiders". We'll see how we do. I could definitely stand to lose some weight and the kids and I need to start eating healthier too.

Chad had picture night for wrestling and then all the young kids were introduced at the beginning of the high school varsity match. It was really neat and Chad got a real kick out of it.

The week ended with me having to go to the state mandated parenting apart class. I think after having gone that the classes are a really good idea. I learned some things that I was doing right and some places I can improve. It was also nice having them go through some of the legal aspects that are involved. A lot of the time it seems a little surreal like I'm not really going through this and I think most of the time I'm just in denial. It isn't that I don't want the divorce necessarily but more that it's hard to move forward after having been married for 15 years. I think in retrospect our marriage was probably over as many as 5 years ago. It just took a long time to acknowledge it and actually end it. Now I need to get my life out of neutral and start taking a little more control of what is going on.

Aww...the start of a new year. My life will be going through some changes this year for sure. Some I can imagine and some, I'm sure will be a surprise.

I took Friday off and started the year with a nice, long weekend. The Christmas decorations have been put away and house work caught up (for the briefest of moments.. ) The first change for the year also happened. Since my husband and I separated I've been sleeping upstairs with the kids instead of downstairs in my room. This was partly because the kids wanted me upstairs and partly because I didn't have a bed anymore. This weekend though I moved the trundle bed from my daughters room downstairs into my room and have started sleeping in my own room. Now it finally feels like were moving forward and accepting the change instead of living in the limbo that we've been in.

Yesterday we went to the movie Bedtime Stories and the kids really enjoyed it. I gotta admit, I liked it too. It was a really cute movie even if you knew how it was going to end very early on. Now today we are going to another movie, The Tales of Desperaeux. One movie is for my birthday and the other is for my youngests birthday. We could not go the day of his birthday because of bad weather so I owed him. This is a picture from his birthday party.

Just like others I am now going to try blogging. I hope to use this as a way to reflect on the past and look forward to the future. That's sort of how I came up with the name for my blog.

For my first post I'll simply wish myself and anyone else that may see this a Happy New Year!

My hopes for 2009 are that my family stays healthy and that we all get to see a dream or two come true. I will try daily to pray the serenity prayer:

“God grant me the patience to accept that which cannot be changed, the courage to change that which can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”